No One to Blame

I view parenting with sacred awe and reverence. When we set out on the path of marriage that eventually leads to parenthood, we make a contract with our spouse, our community and our Heavenly Father that we will do all within our power to make a successful family unit. Circumstances come and go, but the contract remains the same.

Marriage came early in my life, a fact for which I am grateful. Parenthood took a few years of trying, but came on with full force once we got started. And we began to work with all our hearts and strength to nurture that little seedling that is our future--our family.

On the day I was told that our youngest daughter was moderately developmentally delayed--a diagnosis that later would be called autism--I felt that somehow I had violated that sacred contract. I felt I had failed to produce a successful family unit. I had given birth to a child with a disability. A child that would suck precious resources from society. I was quick to blame myself. Surely, I had done something wrong.

When our friends and family found out about the diagnosis, in their effort to offer support, many offered ideas of where we could place blame. Blame this medication; blame that vaccine; blame pollution; blame the doctor. I recall a night when I sat up all night, crying in anguish, wondering how I had allowed myself to blindly damage my child. I was sick to my core thinking if I had chosen this instead of that, or done this instead of that, then my daughter wouldn't have seizures, wouldn't be delayed, would have a normal future. I even worried that Aaron would blame me for our daughter's condition.

Not too long after that awful night of misery, I came across this scripture: John 9: 1-3 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

We are a blame-ridden society. So often we fail to look beyond our trials, and learn. No. We must instead find someone to blame--an outlet for our anger over being unfairly treated. I can not blame anyone for my daughter's disability. I believe she came to my home this way for a reason. Maybe she's here to humble me. Maybe she's here so that God can work His miracles. Maybe humbling me is the miracle. The day of her diagnosis my heart was ripped from my chest, torn apart, and put back together in a more perfect form.

I've made a sacred contract to make this a successful family unit. My husband holds me tight at night and assures me that the contract is still binding--no matter what. I hold all four of our children tightly and promise them that I will give them the best home and future within my power. I have seen the changes that my daughter has brought to my home and can't help but feel that the miracles have been at work all along.

Comments

Kristina P. said…
Beautiful post, Fiauna.
proud mom! said…
I believe that these children come here to help us learn about life. And that they are protected from the worldly things in life by our heavenly father because they needed that protection more than the rest of us. My nephew is disabled also. I learn from him every time I see him and my children do to. They are very special children. And they are great teachers.
Candy McCall said…
Amen.

Keelie is the blessing to society. I truly know this to be true, as I have watched my whole life, along with many family and friends forever changed for good through my brother. The so called 'burden' of reponsibility that comes with such a special child is merely a deceptive wrapping paper used to keep Satan at bay from the recognition of such righteous spirits that needed additional protection from him and his followers.
Those who are entrusted with these special children, and all who truly come in contact and know these children and serve them, are those who are allowed to recognize the magnitude and miracle of the GIFT that each one is.
Wonder Woman said…
That scripture is truly an answer to prayer for you. I had tears in my eyes as I read this.
Tulsi said…
This was very well said.
Unknown said…
i so admire you. that was so inspiring and makes me
see into you a little bit more.
i love this blogging world. we are all so different and learn so much from each other.
i am in always in wonder over moms who deal with kids with disabilities every day. i just don't know that i could have lived that trial.. just me
Kathy P said…
I loved this post Fiauna -- so beautifully touching. I am so glad that you realized that it isn't your fault.

This is an important lesson we can all use...

Thank you for this tender post.
Em said…
simply beautiful.
beyond my expectations.
thank you.
you strengthen me.
i'm grateful for your friendship.
blogging's funny isn't it?
Kate said…
That was just beautiful. At times it is so overwhelming to be a mom and feel like we have to make everything perfect. We are so blessed to be able to learn and grow from those that are sent here with disabilities of some kind. They are not here for them but mostly for us to learn from.
Snarky Belle said…
So, I can barely see through my tears to type this comment. For many years after my daughter was stillborn, I looked for someone to blame. There was no one. So, I decided to blame God. After all, if He could have given us a miracle and saved her, the fact that He didn't meant it was all His fault.

I wasted so much time and energy. I was just a miserable person. And, of course, none of my fighting against God brought her back did it? I sit here this morning in awe of your courage and wisdom. "Maybe humbling me is the miracle."...such beautiful and powerful words.I couldn't agree more. I am just thankful you have not wasted years fighting to place blame like I did. You are amazing!

I am currently having some trials with my four year old. Sensory issues, we are in the midst of trying to get it all figured out. We are exhausted, and just yesterday I was just thinking, "What did I do to cause this. If I could have just been a better mother to her over the past four years. Or, what did I do while I was pregnant that caused this?" Your post took a weight off my shoulders this morning. The words "thank you" seem so lacking. But, I do thank you. ((hugs))
Lara Neves said…
I have no doubt that these types of things were meant to happen, regardless of the physical reasons why (and since God works under laws, yes,there are physical reasons.)

In reading your blog, it seems that your daughter has already taught you a lot about eternal things.

This was a very beautiful post, thanks for writing it.
Susan Anderson said…
I agree wholeheartedly with your conclusions in this post, and I admire the spiritual maturity and insight that has allowed you to reach them so early in your mothering experience. (Often, I have needed the perspective of my empty nest to figure such things out.)

Your children are fortunate, and your family is indeed blessed to have you.

Thanks for the uplifting post. I will be back for more!
Fiauna, you are amazing! You are a wonderful Mother and wife. Aaron is so blessed to have met you and managed to get you to marry him! We are lucky to have you in our family.
Thanks so much for dropping by my corner! My sister has two young daughters with the same diagnosis. As an adoptive mom I've had the privilege of working through some parental struggles. My daughter has an ADD disorder and in the earliest stages I made my learning curve harder by thinking I could somehow fix or control it. Yet, my path of enlightenment has been amazing and I'll be forever grateful for her and for my new knowledge because of her. My sister's 5 year old hits mainstream Kindergarten this fall, it's amazing what early intervention can do!

Hugs,
Holly
We love our Keelie! You afe such a good mom! Just think you guys are special enough to be able to have such a special child. :)