Becoming

I walked past the refrigerator at my mother-in-law's house on Sunday, Mother's Day. She had a piece of paper held to the door by two whimsical magnets. On the paper was this quote by Dallin H. Oaks: ". . . The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts--what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts--what we have become."

I swallowed a lump in my throat, startled by the reaction I felt in my gut and in my heart. You see, I still blame myself (like most mothers I know) . . . for everything, especially my daughter's disability. Sure, I tell myself, as others do, that it's not my fault--no one's fault, really. But every time some one wonders out loud or begs the question why is she like this? Why doesn't her brain work properly? What happened to her to damage her so? I always end up searching inward for some culpability. I drank too much Diet Coke while I was pregnant. I took over-the-counter vitamins and supplements instead of the prescription pre-natal vitamins. I flew for 13 hours on an airplane early, early on. I mowed the lawn the day before her birth. I sprayed herbicide on the lawn. I died my hair. I lived too close to the freeway and all its noxious fumes. I took terbutaline to stop some minor contractions during the last trimester. . . The list goes on.

Some of these things I could have changed, other's not so much. A few I'd been warned about, but most seemed harmless. But every day I have to wonder. . .

And then I read the quote. And then I looked at my beautiful daughter. She has changed me, calmed and refined me, and for that I am glad. She is, as all children are, pure heavenly magic (yes, even during those late nights when she doesn't want to sleep), with soft, rosy cheeks and unconditional love. She's the one who helps me see what I can become, where I've been, and how far I still have to go. I've messed up--we all have--and I will continue to acknowledge my mistakes. I will keep trying to do better and live up to my potential and the beautiful calling I've been given in this life--to be a mother. I will take this chance and become something better, something divine and worthy. I have to; it's imperative.